Over the weekend, thousands of good men, women, and children were subjected to starvation and dire thirst. This was not the result of natural disaster or nuclear attack. The cruel and unusual punishment came in the disguise of a much-anticipated and -hyped food, booze, and musical festival called The Great Googa Mooga.
Riding on the Hipster Express (G-Line) to Prospect Park, we (hipsters) were of high spirits. There was a twinkle in each of our eyes; visions of Anthony Bourdain and Marc Maron dancing on stage beneath a sunny Brooklyn blue sky; craft beers and obscure delicacies to fill the day and our stomachs.
None of that happened… Before we made it into the festival, one of my friends received a “text” message from
someone already there, saying they were leaving because the lines for food and booze were outrageous. Nevertheless, we march on in. Rather than paying for beers and wines with cash, you had to first wait in a line to get ID checked, then you had to get in a line to fork over cash for a “booze card,” then you had to get in line to purchase a special booze cup, then you had to get in line at the booze tents to get your cheap swill in your cheap swill glass. 4 lines = a couple hours = expensive beer = life-long memories. The lines for the food booths were long as well.
Honestly, we didn’t even bother trying to eat or have a drink. We just sat at a bench for a few minutes and grabbed several packs of free Orbitz gum and a Squidbillies beer coozie from promoters. I read that 40,000 people were in attendance on Saturday. I’d say it was 10-15,000 too many. Luckily, we had free tickets so we didn’t kick our own asses too much. Unfortunately, many people purchased tickets at 200+ a pop. My heart goes out to them.
In the end, it was just a waste of time, and I hope that whoever reads this in the future will not look at this as some sort of a damned, middle-class, hipster, flannel-wearing jerkoff complaint. Look at this as a warning to not waste your time or money at next year’s Googa Mooga festival. You’d be better off sitting in a park, dipping hot dog buns into a warm can of beans.
FYI: My wife informed me that contrary to popular belief, urine is not sterile. In fact, it is only sterile while it is inside your bladder. As it it makes its way through the urethra (which has bacteria) it picks up traces of bacteria, therefore, becoming contaminated. For your health.
Some funny Tweets to sum up The Great Googa Mooga
@ktranell Googa Mooga = The Hunger Games. I’d stab someone for something edible right now.
@aciolino So excited to never have to utter the words “Googa Mooga” again after today
@Andrew_StClair PROTIP: Eat before you go. Rt @jonnythesantos Just left Googa Mooga and I’m googa starving.
@superduper The fuck is a googa mooga?
@timmhotep The Great Googa Mooga was a great, big shit show.
@AdmiralJewbacca The Great Googa Mooga – where you don’t care what you eat as long as the line’s not over an hour long
@goldstar4robot So I’m the only person in New York who didn’t get tickets to Googa Mooga? (Lucky S*B)